Sex, Love and Astral Traveling Part 7

I think what hurt the most when he and I walked away from each other was that we walked away from a business we had built together and developing a name for ourselves as a couple. The relationship that was built off survival, was lead to friendship in a love relationship to distruction.

Yeah we both weren’t perfect.

In fact, I know where I went wrong. And he knows where he went wrong. Where I wish we both would have seen the vision for us back than. We were each other’s support system emotionally, spiritually and financially. I was so deep in love with him that my possessions became my enemy. All the material items were gained through the consistent grind at Kaiser lead me to resent the very person who I agreed to take care of. The feeling of being taken advantage of and resentment arrived when I realized that I was a mother figure supporting a guy who was not even my son.

We might have helped each other with the clothes on our back, a place to live, even if it was sleeping in the back of a car while he went to school. Feeling helpless with the disconnection I had with my family that I allowed everything to spin for several years.

The memories were so vast, I really felt bad for the guy. The masculine energy of needing to support and the feminine wanting to nurture were vivid in how much I cared with my heart for M.A.G.

I will never forget the day we sat a Denny’s. He and I only had $20 left, after paying our car notes, the insurance, a few groceries, the cellphone bills and enough money to survive with gas money before I would get paid the following week.

We sat down and shared a turkey sandwich and broccoli cheddar soup.

I remember I wanted to cry because I knew that if I had to do life. I would not mind doing life with him. In those moments helping him eat, so we wouldn’t starve.

Looking back at this moment, I NOW realize where the brainwashing was depicted.

Even after M.A.G. left the picture I had manifested another guy who was using me for my money.

M.T. lied about his age.

The Shark lied about his age.

The Clown lied about his age.

I went completely crazy being in all the toxic environments.

The Hospital

The Clubs

The After Hour Parties

The Bars

The Apartment Complex yelling from the top of my lungs when things went wrong.

This is where we both had created our world. In toxic environments.

I even helped pay for recording studio time and invested in all the marketing. Music, photography and the media was life.

If I could go back I wouldn’t change anything though, because it taught me what not to do in a relationship.

It taught me to pay attention to a Male’s actions. 

Chris Brown’s lyrics on “No Guidance” feat Drake state the following:

“All your exes they gon’ call again.”

Well that sure happened.

Two months ago.

My ex called me.

I finally saw him in person, and told him the following words at Balboa Park in San Diego is where we met.

M.A.G. and I were standing right in front of the Merry go round. I had to be patient with myself and give him a moment to pay attention to what I was saying. As his two phones would go off endlessly. He is still in the traditional market.

I said: “You see that merry go round? Well that has been us for years. Repeating patterns and going around and around and around in a circle.

I see you’re still on the merry go round M.A.G.

And honestly, I’m not on that merry go round anymore.”

As I looked over to the right. I see a train track.

Me: “I’m on a train track, headed on the road to success. And I’m not looking back. Nor do I have time to be on the merry go round with you.“

He finally understood that I was not the same person I was 2 years ago, let alone 7-9 years ago when we were in our twenties.

An hour later, after we walked around the park a bit. Ended up in front of Museum of Man.

He began venting to me about his current girlfriend. Apologizing to me about what he did. He even apologized for stopping me from having his child 5 years ago. As he continued to cry out and vent about the current girlfriend. I noticed patterns.

I’ve heard all of this before. The very things he use to complain to me about MYSELF. When he and I were in a relationship.

Light bulb in my mind goes off

He was still stuck on his own suffering he has created for himself, but this time it was around he was WITH a different female.

In those moment of seeing M.A.G. I realized two things about myself:

I was finally over him. 

I finally forgave him.

I walked away that day HAPPY.

Now that’s a happily ever after.

Happy Birthday to the Virgo. It’s his birthday tomorrow. If you know who I am talking about in this blog. Send him a birthday balloon and tell him its from a the woman who use to love him.

Music sure does heal doesn’t it.

Disconnection complete. 

😃 😏<—— My FACE right now

Here are the lyrics for the song mentioned in this blog.

“No Guidance”

Chris Brown feat. Drake

Before I die I'm tryna fuck you, baby
Hopefully we don't have no babies
I don't even wanna go back home
Hopefully, I don't leave you on your own

Trips that you plan for the next whole week
Bands too long for a nigga so cheap
And your flex OD, and your sex OD
You got it, girl, you got it (ayy)
You got it, girl, you got (yeah)
Pretty lil' thing, you got a bag and now you wildin'
You just took it off the lot, no mileage
Way they hittin' you, the DM lookin' violent
Talkin' wild, you come around and now they silent
Flew the coop at 17, no guidance
You be stayin' low but you know what the vibes is
Ain't never got you nowhere bein' modest
Poppin' shit but only 'cause you know you're poppin', yeah

You got it, girl, you got it (ayy)
You got it, girl, you got it

Lil' baby in her bag, in her Birkin
No nine to five, put the work in
Flaws and all, I love 'em all, to me, you're perfect
Baby girl, you got it, girl, you got it, girl (oh-oh)
You got it, girl, you got it, girl (ooh)

I don't wanna play no games, play no games
Fuck around, give you my last name (oh)
Know you tired of the same damn thing
That's okay 'cause, baby, you

You got it, girl, you got it (ayy)
You got it, girl, you got it

You the only one I'm tryna make love to, pickin' and choosin'
They ain't really love you, runnin' games, usin'
All your stupid exes, they gon' call again
Tell 'em that a real nigga steppin' in
Don't let them niggas try you, test your patience
Tell 'em that it's over, ain't no debatin' (uh)
All you need is me playin' on your playlist
You ain't gotta be frustrated

I don't wanna play no games, play no games (oh)
Fuck around, give you my last name (my last name)
Know you tired of the same damn thing (same damn thing)
That's okay 'cause, baby, you

You got it, girl, you got it (oh, ooh, ayy)
You got it, girl, you got it (got it)
I don't wanna

Before I die, I'm tryna fuck you, baby (yeah)
Hopefully, we don't have no babies (ooh)
I don't even wanna go back home
Hopefully, I don't leave you on your own
You got it, girl, you got it, oh

Play no games (no)
Freaky (freaky)
I can learn a lot from you, gotta come teach me (woo, woo)
You a lil' hot girl, you a lil' sweetie (no, sweet)
Sweet like Pearland, sweet like Peachtree (like that)
I can tell you crazy, but shit kind of intrigue me (no, yeah, I like that)
(I don't wanna, I don't wanna)
Seen it on the 'Gram, I'm tryna see that shit in 3D, mami
I know I get around 'cause I like to move freely
(I don't, I don't)
But you could lock it down, I could tell by how you treat me
(I don't, I don't)
I seen how you did homeboy, so please take it easy (no, yeah)
Good to have me on your side, I ain't sayin' that you need me (yeah, yeah)
Six God talk but I ain't tryna get preachy (no, no, no)
I seen how you did homeboy, please take it easier on me
'Cause I don't wanna (no) play no games, play no games
(I don't wanna, I don't wanna)
I don't wanna play no games, play no games
(I don't, I don't)

I don't, I don't

Source: LyricFind

Songwriters: Tyler Bryant / Anderson Hernandez / Michee Patrick Lebrun / Travis Walton / NIja Charles / Christopher Brown / Aubrey Graham

No Guidance lyrics © Universal Music Publishing Group


I recently read a post on Chris Brown’s Insta Story that Read:

“God’s signs aren’t in language all the time if you ascend into further consciousness and humble yourself to all the gifts and magical wonders we possess we can help everyone! Just have to stop blaming God or others for your path. Music heals. Broken hearts can repair. Your doubts are your own. Just thoughts you put in your head because it’s hard to believe in something when u surroundings may be flawed or despaired or unsure. If you feel outta place, different or don’t feel u for in… that’s because you have the light in you. U just need to believe more and tap into your full potential.” - Chris Brown

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Liz Esguerra