i DON’T even know where to begin

i DON’T even know where to begin.

I’m not quite sure if I am more upset on the years that have passed. Or if I am upset on the fact of how unappreciative I was when was what felt like at my peak.

Truthfully I was miserable back than too.

What’s different now?

MY SANITY

MY PHYSICAL HEALTH

MY MENTAL HEALTH

MY CONFIDENCE

MY HAPPINESS

MY SMILE

MY HAIR

MY CIRCLE OF TRUE FRIENDS

I know that I could sit here and pin point a destination for myself on where I wish I was. But I cannot help but cry out to God Source on how my heart has been BLOCKING people from entering my spirit. I cover it up with pictures, smiles, drinking, taking CBD and yeah know. Being inconsistent on pursuing my true passion for mentoring people through movement of the body, which to me is Dance.

If I had a magic wand.

I would clear all my debt.

I would invest in a dance studio in LA

I would buy my Maserati

I would buy a million dollar home in Thousand Oaks AND Orange County!

I would buy myself a Louis bags and gold jewlery

I would provide my students with a vacation trip to the DR

I would have children

I would invest in traveling around the world with friends, family and my children (when they arrive).

I would be okay knowing that my establishment of my company is so successful I wouldn’t worry about money anymore.

In order for the above to be manifested, though, I have to tackle my inner pains.

By going back in time to when I was a child and reprogramming my mind to the point where I have overcome many details of heartaches, pain, insecurities and truth.

>

>

vibrate

buzz

vibrate

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>

Sorry my phone went off with Instagram notifications.

Which leads me to the next topic.

Instagram

First of all. I don’t have 12.9K Follwers.

I think I have 9K Followers, and 500-1000 active users who interact on my page daily, and watch my Instagram story.

I hope this doesn’t surprise anyone. Because honestly I think my network is a bigger number with the people I know IN PERSON. NOT online.

So here’s the real deal.

My ex of 7 years enforced some modality, he believed would work. The power of marketing schemes. He was convinced that we needed to purchase likes, comments and fucking followers. Go figure, back than when Instagram started I thought this to be true. Especially with what he told me to do. I did exactly what he told me to do in everything. No wonder I am where I am now. I allowed him to control me and brainwash my mind. I was his BITCH. Literally a damn SUGAR MAMA, who got milked dry.

Bye bye Lexus

Bye bye luxury apartment

Hello Bankruptcy

Hello 30k in debt. <———- me dealing with this number is so hard

I am crying right now with tears rolling down my face.

WTF Liz!! I wish I could have shaken my old self up. But truth is, the old me is shedding now as I write this.

Yeah I can admit the D was good from M.A.G. BUT that was it? As I see him in my mind crying in my arms a few months ago venting about his new girlfriend who has no clue that he is sitting with me at Balboa Park on a Monday afternoon. Did I mention how I am NOT attractive to the guy. But that I actually felt bad for him. Because he’s still lost in the traditional market of Flower.

Oh Geez

***Sigh

What might have kept me around energetically after all these years has been my heart. I really have had a bad habit of choosing the guys who have used me for money.

Which brings me to the other ex who hit me up this year!

I met up with 26 earlier this year. He and I were kids in college, while he attended Montana State in the early 2000s. We were doing the long distance relationship thing. That truthfully never worked. My parents WERE racist back than. They always hated him. I remember checking our phone bill and seeing all the Hoes numbers he was calling and texting. Oh geez that haunting ring back tone.

He got a girl pregnant, gave up his son and threw his football career out the window when he injured his femur. As I still hear the haunting yells and crazy pyscho facial expressions of him proposing to me in the hospital when he was code grey. Jesus Christ may you rebuke Satan please. Thank you!

I still think I was being tested this year to have all the exes show up.

I am so happy that when I saw them, I disconnected in a healthy way. I had no attachment to them. Just clear visualization that I NEVER WANT THEM BACK!

These two especially brought the most sexual trauma manifested into my core. Into my inner being of my sacral chakra. That sacred space where new births are manifested. I was suppose to be a mother of 2 by now.

Due to my careless and selfishness. I blocked what could have been two little blessings. RIP to my children. I know that they are in heaven looking over me as angels.

With all that being notated. I wanted to share a little bit of what is the beginning of my blog.

Called

THE DIRTY LAUNDRY

truthfully this blog will be my healing space.

A place where I can share my inner thoughts and emotions. I rarely cry nowdays. So instead of holding everything in. My modality of releasing is writing.

Welcome to My Blog

THE DIRTY LAUNDRY

Signed,

Lizbeth R Esguerra

September 12, 2019

9:00 P.M.

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Liz Esguerra